All of a sudden the proverbial train stopped, and I am just sitting here and in front of me is all this trauma. I got in a fight with my cupboard this morning, well really, I was pretending like the cupboard was my dead ex husband, I won the fight… then ended up having to pull my shit together, because I don’t have a choice, I have too.
I always thought if you keep moving then things are going to get better, it was the biggest lie of my life. I spent my whole adult life working and so focused on providing financial support, I neglected the emotional support. I did not knowingly nor intentionally do this! Mind you, if you were to ask me then how my relationship with my children was emotionally, I would have told you great and believed myself!
The awakening came a little over a year ago when my young adult children’s father died of an overdose. He was a homeless person, a John Doe in the morgue, we all met at the hospital to identify the body. Once it was confirmed to be my ex husband, my children and myself all went our separate ways. It was the SADDEST thing ever when I look back on this moment. I was in shock and I didn’t know what to do. My poor children had to make arrangements for their father and I was missing because I felt guilty. Someday I will talk more about why… It was at this point in time where everything in my life and really my families lives changed.
Without having to write an entire book, my children’s father was obviously not my prince charming. The entire marriage was dysfunctional and when I left the marriage he became more abusive toward me. I hired an attorney, filed a restraining order, and asked a judge for supervised visitation due to my ex’s drug use. The judge begrudgingly agreed to the supervised visitation, with my ex mother-in-law as the supervisory. The following day I had to let my children spend the weekend with my ex mother-in-law and their father. At 2:00 a.m. on the first evening of their visit I received a phone call that my ex husband had been shot and my babies were with him. My 3 and 5-year-old watched their father get shot 8 times by a man with a gun at a drug house in the inner city. My ex lived through the shooting however, spent years in a wheelchair and never regained a full recovery, on the other hand, my children were not harmed physically during the shooting and never regained full EMOTIONAL recovery. I went to court while he was still on life support and took his parental rights away from him, I would do it all over again today.
In between the shooting and the death of my children’s father, I did my best to provide some sort of stability. I thought if I bought a home, pursued a degree, furthered my career, made more money and kept them safe from everything possible we would be alright. As if somehow I could make up for the trauma, the missing father and be this perfect parent that could do no harm!! LMAO!!! RIGHT… I had absolutely no idea what I was doing in the parenting realm, shit I still don’t! All I know is right now I see my children in so much pain and I have no idea how to fix it, and I feel like each one of their lives is slowly falling apart. I do feel like the sky is falling…