Deep thoughts…

No idea if anyone in the universe is reading this blog and to be honest, it really doesn’t matter.  After writing in this forum I release these emotions from my head, and onto to this fucking blog (frozen-holding-place) and I can breathe a little better.

The depression has lifted or so I thought until this very moment as I sit here unkept, unbrushed teeth and have not eaten since yesterday.  Maybe this whole nervous breakdown isn’t really based on a timeline per say,  where there is a beginning and an end.  Just maybe,  its more like a wave in the ocean,  it just keeps going out and coming back in. Ebbs and flows…

When will my life get back to normal is really what I want to know.  The problem is I have no idea what my normal life is supposed to look like anymore.  I am no longer working in a career that stimulated and challenged my intellectual mind.  I was forced to retire due to medical disability over a year ago.  Within the last year there has been so much chaos, turmoil, change and giving to others that I am just now sitting down for the first time. Who the fuck am I… I will have to come back to this.

Right now I need to get out some of my underling grief eating away at my soul.  Around 15 years ago I was put in an anger management group via a therapist due to some grief over my late husband.  At my first group session,  while pounding my fist on the table, I told the group leader I was not angry and did not belong in the group. I still laugh over this!! It was the awakening at this anger management group where I began to see how pissed off at the world I was.  It wasn’t just about my late husband, it was about my childhood, losing my siblings, parents and family.  I never dealt with all this grief and as a result, I was a very angry person.  You would have never known it by being around me,  I was not outwardly angry, my anger turned inside and became this deep chronic depression.

Thus far, I have grieved my family three times.  The first time was when I was 11 years old and put in a children’s home.  I can still vividly remember the first night I slept in that cold hard bed all alone thinking about my little sister and my little brother. I cried myself to sleep every night I bet for over a year and although my home life was horrible, I missed my family so much.  I stopped eating and drinking to the point where I was hospitalized and tube feed because I was so brokenhearted.  I was broken!!  It was as if my whole family died one day and I never seen them again.  How is a child suppose to just get up and move on?  Eventually, I learned to become a robot and just move and ignore the pain inside.

Today I feel the same kind of pain inside when I think about my mother and some of my family.  The pain is nothing compared to when I was that child however, it is a familiar grief.  So I tell myself, you have done this before, you can do it again.






5 thoughts on “Deep thoughts…

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  1. Experiencing childhood circumstances that cut me to my core, then “progressing” to a sexually assaulted teen, who then entered a marriage more for security than love, and who ultimately became a pounding board for an abusive degenerate, I understand the pain a person is capable of hiding. And thank you for liking my Silent Screams.


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