No idea if anyone in the universe is reading this blog and to be honest, it really doesn’t matter. After writing in this forum I release these emotions from my head, and onto to this fucking blog (frozen-holding-place) and I can breathe a little better.
The depression has lifted or so I thought until this very moment as I sit here unkept, unbrushed teeth and have not eaten since yesterday. Maybe this whole nervous breakdown isn’t really based on a timeline per say, where there is a beginning and an end. Just maybe, its more like a wave in the ocean, it just keeps going out and coming back in. Ebbs and flows…
When will my life get back to normal is really what I want to know. The problem is I have no idea what my normal life is supposed to look like anymore. I am no longer working in a career that stimulated and challenged my intellectual mind. I was forced to retire due to medical disability over a year ago. Within the last year there has been so much chaos, turmoil, change and giving to others that I am just now sitting down for the first time. Who the fuck am I… I will have to come back to this.
Right now I need to get out some of my underling grief eating away at my soul. Around 15 years ago I was put in an anger management group via a therapist due to some grief over my late husband. At my first group session, while pounding my fist on the table, I told the group leader I was not angry and did not belong in the group. I still laugh over this!! It was the awakening at this anger management group where I began to see how pissed off at the world I was. It wasn’t just about my late husband, it was about my childhood, losing my siblings, parents and family. I never dealt with all this grief and as a result, I was a very angry person. You would have never known it by being around me, I was not outwardly angry, my anger turned inside and became this deep chronic depression.
Thus far, I have grieved my family three times. The first time was when I was 11 years old and put in a children’s home. I can still vividly remember the first night I slept in that cold hard bed all alone thinking about my little sister and my little brother. I cried myself to sleep every night I bet for over a year and although my home life was horrible, I missed my family so much. I stopped eating and drinking to the point where I was hospitalized and tube feed because I was so brokenhearted. I was broken!! It was as if my whole family died one day and I never seen them again. How is a child suppose to just get up and move on? Eventually, I learned to become a robot and just move and ignore the pain inside.
Today I feel the same kind of pain inside when I think about my mother and some of my family. The pain is nothing compared to when I was that child however, it is a familiar grief. So I tell myself, you have done this before, you can do it again.