The sky is falling!!

All of a sudden the proverbial train stopped,  and I am just sitting here and in front of me is all this trauma.  I got in a fight with my cupboard this morning, well really,  I was pretending like the cupboard was my dead ex husband, I won the fight… then ended up having to pull my shit together, because I don’t have a choice, I have too.

I always thought if you keep moving then things are going to get better, it was the biggest lie of my life.  I spent my whole adult life working and so focused on providing financial support,  I neglected the emotional support.  I did not knowingly nor intentionally do this!  Mind you,  if you were to ask me then how my relationship with my children was emotionally,  I would have told you great and believed myself!

The awakening came a little over a year ago when my young adult children’s father died of an overdose.  He was a homeless person, a John Doe in the morgue, we all met at the hospital to identify the body.  Once it was confirmed to be my ex husband, my children and myself all went our separate ways.  It was the SADDEST thing ever when I look back on this moment. I was in shock and I didn’t know what to do.  My poor children had to make arrangements for their father and I was missing because I felt guilty.  Someday I will talk more about why…   It was at this point in time where everything in my life and really my families lives changed.

Without having to write an entire book, my children’s father was obviously not my prince charming.  The entire marriage was dysfunctional and when I left the marriage he became more abusive toward me.  I hired an attorney, filed a restraining order, and asked a judge for supervised visitation due to my ex’s drug use.  The judge begrudgingly agreed to the supervised visitation, with my ex mother-in-law as the supervisory.  The following day I had to let my children spend the weekend with my ex mother-in-law and their father.  At 2:00 a.m. on the first evening of their visit I received a phone call that my ex husband had been shot and my babies were with him.   My 3 and 5-year-old watched their father get shot 8 times by a man with a gun at a drug house in the inner city.  My ex lived through the shooting however, spent years in a wheelchair and never regained a full recovery,  on the other hand, my children were not harmed physically during the shooting and never regained full EMOTIONAL recovery.  I went to court while he was still on life support and took his parental rights away from him,  I would do it all over again today.

In between the shooting and the death of my children’s father,  I did my best to provide some sort of stability.  I thought if I bought a home, pursued a degree, furthered my career, made more money and kept them safe from everything possible we would be alright. As if somehow I could make up for the trauma, the missing father and be this perfect parent that could do no harm!! LMAO!!! RIGHT… I had absolutely no idea what I was doing in the parenting realm, shit I still don’t!  All I know is right now I see my children in so much pain and I have no idea how to fix it,  and I feel like each one of their lives is slowly falling apart.  I do feel like the sky is falling…

 

 

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Deep thoughts…

No idea if anyone in the universe is reading this blog and to be honest, it really doesn’t matter.  After writing in this forum I release these emotions from my head, and onto to this fucking blog (frozen-holding-place) and I can breathe a little better.

The depression has lifted or so I thought until this very moment as I sit here unkept, unbrushed teeth and have not eaten since yesterday.  Maybe this whole nervous breakdown isn’t really based on a timeline per say,  where there is a beginning and an end.  Just maybe,  its more like a wave in the ocean,  it just keeps going out and coming back in. Ebbs and flows…

When will my life get back to normal is really what I want to know.  The problem is I have no idea what my normal life is supposed to look like anymore.  I am no longer working in a career that stimulated and challenged my intellectual mind.  I was forced to retire due to medical disability over a year ago.  Within the last year there has been so much chaos, turmoil, change and giving to others that I am just now sitting down for the first time. Who the fuck am I… I will have to come back to this.

Right now I need to get out some of my underling grief eating away at my soul.  Around 15 years ago I was put in an anger management group via a therapist due to some grief over my late husband.  At my first group session,  while pounding my fist on the table, I told the group leader I was not angry and did not belong in the group. I still laugh over this!! It was the awakening at this anger management group where I began to see how pissed off at the world I was.  It wasn’t just about my late husband, it was about my childhood, losing my siblings, parents and family.  I never dealt with all this grief and as a result, I was a very angry person.  You would have never known it by being around me,  I was not outwardly angry, my anger turned inside and became this deep chronic depression.

Thus far, I have grieved my family three times.  The first time was when I was 11 years old and put in a children’s home.  I can still vividly remember the first night I slept in that cold hard bed all alone thinking about my little sister and my little brother. I cried myself to sleep every night I bet for over a year and although my home life was horrible, I missed my family so much.  I stopped eating and drinking to the point where I was hospitalized and tube feed because I was so brokenhearted.  I was broken!!  It was as if my whole family died one day and I never seen them again.  How is a child suppose to just get up and move on?  Eventually, I learned to become a robot and just move and ignore the pain inside.

Today I feel the same kind of pain inside when I think about my mother and some of my family.  The pain is nothing compared to when I was that child however, it is a familiar grief.  So I tell myself, you have done this before, you can do it again.

 

 

 

 

Depression

There is nothing more pathetic than a depressed person laying on the couch in there pajamas all day.  Almost five days out of this depression and I can say that maybe time does heal things.  I am convinced that Michigan is completely depressed right now!  I swear there has been NO sunshine in almost three weeks… I went a total of three days without a shower, this was the longest I have ever went in my life (high-class depression).  I did not wear lotion one day!  I waited to brush my teeth until 4:00pm on another day.

I spent the entire summer with my mother at an inpatient hospice facility.  I hated my mother my entire life!  Then she pulls this sweet lady crap on me and I fell head over heals in love…  The problem is my mother did not die, she is very alive and living in another facility estranged from me,  her daughter,  once again.  I wish she would have died! Before you judge me, get the whole story.

Right out of the gate at birth my mother and my relationship was cursed. I was an unwanted pregnancy (possibly not my fathers??), came out ass first and was given up to foster care/juvenile court at 11 years old.   However, my parents stayed married (until my father passed) and kept my other siblings.  I became very close to some of my siblings but, never developed a real relationship with my parents.

The last thing I wanted to do was take my mother to a biopsy!  Lets be honest, she doesn’t even like me, she says mean things about my grandkids, she says mean things about everyone.  When the surgeon told her she had cancer and she said, “it’s because I am a horrible mother” I said nothing.  I could not bring myself to ease her suffering, I wanted her to suffer.  She needed help navigating through all the obstacles of treatment options, so I helped.

I set up a family Facebook page in hopes of getting my siblings involved in my mothers care.  Problems surfaced almost immediately regarding everyone’s unwillingness to help mother.  It was difficult to want to help someone who doesn’t like children, never asks how you are doing and never has anything good to say about anyone. This my friends is my mother.  And this is only on the surface…

The treatments were unsuccessful and mother ended up in a hospice facility.  One of my brothers took over power of attorney for my mother and we cleaned out her apartment. At this point, we all were waiting for our mother to pass on to the after life.  The hospice facility was conveniently located 7 minutes from my home.  All of my siblings were 45 minutes away therefore, I felt this obligation to be present on a daily basis.

At first, I felt nothing every time I walked into that death room.  However, as the days turned into weeks, and I began to see her cry,  something in me changed.  I think it was the day the volunteers wanted her to tell them about her grandkids.  Mother became really angry and asked the volunteer to leave the room.  She looked at me and started crying…”I don’t know my grandkids” she said.  She continued to sob about how she wasted years and did not get to know her loved ones.  My heart would break a little for her, a little…just a little…

When mother first entered hospice she was given weeks to live, it has been months and she is still alive.  There was two instances in hospice where it was very close for her.  I was a mess, sobbing mess.  I learned to love the lady I met at hospice house, I believe she was my mother.  It’s too bad because everything good typically comes to a crashing halt.

With that, back to the family Facebook page.  Before I was given up to foster care/juvenile court there was some shady shameless stuff going on at home.  All of my siblings and myself were being sexually assaulted by adult men and our mother was having affair(s) in front of us.  Our father found out about the affair and sexual assaults and continued to stay with our mother.  One of my brothers felt the need to air feelings on facebook about the sexual assaults endured during childhood.  As you can guess, not everyone is open to discussing details about sexual assault.  Basically, it opened a can of worms because spouses are on this facebook page.  Imagine if you never told your spouse about being sexually assaulted and they find out via a family facebook page!

So you get the point!  The family Facebook page went from being a source of communication regarding mothers hospice updates to a sexual assault tell all.  It was not only spouses that were members of the family facebook page but,  also my siblings children.  As a result, more instances of sexual assault was disclosed within the family.  When my older brothers refused to acknowledged said sexual assault tensions grew within the family.  Everyday more details describing the sexual assault from our childhood were released on the facebook site.

Here’s the problem, I think I am good with all of this.  Hell,  I am 51 years old, very happily married.  It was a Saturday morning,  I woke up and felt really jumpy.  My husband rubbed up against me in the kitchen, and I jumped! My heart started beating 100 miles an hour…OMG…what was that…it did not stop there.  I locked myself in the bathroom to get away from my husband because, I thought he was going to hurt me.  I spent the next two weeks trying to calm my body down.  My husband still can’t touch me without my permission.  Sometime during this two weeks, I sent a text to my brother and his wife, detailing the sexual assaults.  I wanted his wife to know what a monster he is/or was. So confused…

After two weeks of the PTSD nightmare, I fell into this depression and could not bring myself to make it to hospice. (It had been about two weeks since I had seen my mother.) I feel horrible about that…My sister sent me a text telling me my mother has been moved. My brother moved my mother to a nursing home 45 minutes away however, it is closer to her family and friends.  Somehow I was left off the update AND during my PTSD nightmare week I deleted the family Facebook site. Well you can’t delete them. Achieved and dropped everyone. I also unfriended everyone in my family except my sister and 2 nieces, 1 nephew.

Fortunately, I was able to get ahold of my mother.   She is very angry at me because someone told her I am being mean to one of her sons!  Also, I hadn’t come and seen her since July 4th at the hospice facility.  Mind you, this is Oct 25th-ish… She is delusional!!  And she hung up on me!! I wonder who is the delusional one sometimes…. I made a decision after that phone call to grieve my mother.  I think maybe the mother I met at hospice house is my real mother.  I want to grieve her and not that lady who hung up on me.

Regardless, I am not going to be some lazy depressed person not wearing lotion or brushing my teeth.  I have spent my whole life priding myself on my ability to bounce back in the face of adversity! I feel like I was holding my breathe this whole time and this blog right here let me breath….and there is SUN!

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